There are the happy moments in relationships when two people decide to become a couple, when they decide that they want to stay together, when they both want to commit to each other. They consider themselves happy, perhaps there is an engagement, they decide to marry or they are newly married, or perhaps they just moved in together and started living as a couple. Life feels great, they are loved and they love, and they start building their new life together. They see it as a serious relationship, the beginning of a happy life.

And this is also very often a time when unexpected relationship issues start happening. This could be an unreasonable jealousy, anger, lack of communication, just mentioning a few. Surprisingly, when partners become closer, they may start fighting, they may become demanding, it may seem that the other person is controlling, not caring enough or over protective, too serious or not having any sense of humor. Sometimes there is just a growing anxiety, feeling trapped, feeling insecure. The intimacy weakens, sex is becoming difficult. Sometimes the person can become so upset and disappointed, that he/she employs other coping mechanisms, like drinking, binge eating, insomnia, even some psychosomatic problems. How can all this happen?

When we are more engaged in the relationship, when it is not a flirt or play anymore, when it becomes more important and serious, and we are committed, and we want it to work, we became also more insecure. The deep love may be very frightening. There could be many reasons. First, there can be hurt and resentment from the previous relationships. If the previous fiancé was cheating with your best mate, it is quite likely that you will become jealous in the next relationship. If your previous husband was violent and controlling, you may be inclined to think men are violent and controlling. It seems impossible to trust, even if we are conscious that these fears and assumption are illogical.

There could also be deeper reasons, almost always unconscious. We repeat patterns from our family of origin, we are entangled in the old beliefs and interpretations from childhood and we project those beliefs onto our partners. We very often seek in a partner a substitute for a mother or father, trying to win the parents love from the partner. Sometimes it is opposite; we see a parent’s faults in our partner. Mother was controlling and critical, so wife is accused of being controlling and we cannot swallow any criticism from her. Father was violent, so we cannot trust any men. Parents were fighting and not happy, so we cannot believe in happy relationships. The family patterns may repeat generation after generation.

The good news is that we do not need to carry the baggage from the previous relationships and from our parents. We can free ourselves from all unhelpful beliefs on a conscious and subconscious level. We can restore the natural flow of love in our families and we can free and empower ourselves. We can create strong lasting relationship, built on love, trust and understanding, and we can grow and evolve together with our partner, letting in the natural happiness and joy in our lives.

There are many approaches aimed at building a loving, lasting relationship. The most common counseling or psychological approach will teach you how to communicate, how to deal with different situations, how to show your feelings. You can learn cognitive and behavioral skills, recognize your thinking patterns, watch and try to control your thoughts, even learn to deal with emotions. Very useful skills, it all helps, even if it may take long a time and a lot of goodwill on both sides.

However, there are better approaches, working on the deepest level, creating real changes, removing all blockages, creating acceptance and understanding, opening the heart and letting the love flow naturally. When there is acceptance and love, there is nothing to hide, there is no reason to control thoughts or deal with emotions, the communication flows naturally, sometimes even without words.

One of the most efficient therapies to work on both conscious and subconscious level is hypnotherapy. It combines counseling and many psychotherapy approaches. The therapy is performed in hypnosis, so the subconscious mind can be explicitly accessed and cleared from unhelpful beliefs and habits. Hypnotherapy allows the most personalized approach. Everybody is different, the web of causes and effects is different for everybody, and in hypnosis the client can access and implement the best solution from the deepest self.

Family Constellations (or Systemic Constellations) is the other powerful phenomenological, alternative or complementary therapy that is gentle, effective and safe. This is an experiential, spiritual and practical approach to building better relationships and reaching your potential. I usually combine the Family Constellation approach with hypnotherapy, together with other techniques, and I’ve found it one of the most effective methods for restoring the natural flow of love. The Family Constellation workshop allows to reach the deepest possible level of our being,
is even more powerful than the hypnosis, the real movement of the souls is created, real turning point in our lives.

Joanna Malinowska is a professional hypnotherapist, counselor, self-hypnosis teacher and Family Constellations facilitator. To learn more about how hypnotherapy can prepare you for an open, loving relationship please visit her website http://www.myhypnotherapy.com.au. To learn about active self-hypnosis techniques for building confidence and self-esteem essential for strong relationships please visit http://www.self-hypnosis.com.au/.